i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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