I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
