i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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