I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
