I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
