She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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