saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
