You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
