was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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