Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
