i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
