Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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