in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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