It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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