What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
