That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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