Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
