my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
