We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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