I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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