I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
