I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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