i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
