She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
