i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
