I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
