Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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