Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
