the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
