You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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