we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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