It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
