it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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