[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
