Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she told me i tasted like america
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
