I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
