take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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