She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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