After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
