by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We are two peas in an std pod
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
