We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I checked into jail on foursquare
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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