apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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