onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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