I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
