um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
