Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
