Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
