How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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