Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
