you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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