he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
