Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
