I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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