He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
