her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
