I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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