all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
