I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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